This is probably not the forum to ask this, as it's more about psychology rather than anything 'raw vegan'. So if you delete this post Prana, I'll understand. I've just realised that I've written quite a lot, and I've deleted some of it cause I guess I'm abit stressed and don't want to bore you all.

Growing up with a parent with a mental disorder was not something that I'd wish on anyone. And as far as love for your family is concerned, I loved my Dad, but never had any such feeling for my mother. When Dad passed on, I didn't shed one tear or grieve in any way, and have never understood why.

I've been back to my home town these last three weeks, where my mother has been admitted to hospital at 89yrs old. I go up each day for an hour or two, and do her washing etc. Tonight was the first night in three weeks that I felt I should go up just to make sure she was resting easy (since the last couple of days had been difficult for her). She seemed ok, yet on my way back to the house my mobile phone rang. It was the hospital to very tactfully tell me that Mother had just passed on. I thanked them, and returned to the hospital. On entering her room, emotion welled up inside me. I almost tried to prevent it, but I knew that such expressions are natural, and I took her in my arms and shed many tears...

It was something that I don't understand and was unprepared for. Why all this emotion for someone that I had never felt fond emotion for, yet not feel anything at the death of someone who I loved? I just don't understand.

Dear friends, please help if you are able?

You cannot simply put this situation into a tidy little box labelled "grief at my mother's passing" my friend, it is so much more than that. The end of childhood, a recognition of the loss of your parents, both of them, a cutting of the ties to your younger self, your younger experiences with family, childhood cares and hopes and fears and dream. Acknowledgment of mortality. There are so many connections here, I would think it emotionally overwhelming for anyone. I imagine it will take time to sort through your feelings, it's good that you're open to feeling them and curious about what you feel and why, that will make it easier than if you were resistant or unwilling to be upset or sad. Experiencing death from any perspective can be life transformative, I hope it is a process that gives you valuable insights and some peace.

Blessings to you Geo, best wishes for a happy heart on the mend.

That's beautiful Coco, thank you my friend. Yes, your right, it will take time and I'm just too emotional atm to think clearly. I'm beginning to understand.

Many of us learn how to suppress our emotions as part of growing up in this culture, especially for men. Long before you had this skill, you loved your mother and your father unconditionally. It could be that with your mother's passing you got back in touch with that love.

Ahhh, and also may have triggered a long overdue expression for my Father, which ties in well with Coco's thoughts as well. Thank you Prana. In the course of my uni studies, we're taught alot about the learning of social norms and cultural stereotypes etc. My Dad died over 12yrs ago, and it's only in the last few years that I've become secure enough within myself to be more comfortable in expressing my feelings.

Maybe because you had a connection with your father,and that connection had love and was resolved, in a sense that you knew him and had a great relationship with him. It gave you closure when he passed on.You knew and know that he is always with you.
But with your mother not.You never had a connection and that gives an empt space and in it sadness develops. When she passed on you might had realized that,emotionally.

geo,

You are attuned to your emotions, and even if they cannot be articulated, they mean that you will go forward with grace. My condolences to you, and for peace and full healing, too.

The bond between mother and child can ever be broken. You are her and she is you. She knows that you love her and now you know it too. My condolences. Thanks too for sharing your life like this.

its lovely that you can write about this geo. as we all go through things where we know what emotions and feelings we have but we don't know why. The main thing is you are being aware, and from this, going through the emotions you can learn, understnad and grow

sending lots of love, healing and light to you

Sorry, meant to say "never" instead of "ever."

HeavenHands Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The bond between mother and child can ever be
> broken. You are her and she is you. She knows that
> you love her and now you know it too. My
> condolences. Thanks too for sharing your life like
> this.

I was never that close to my grandfather. He died in a fire a bit more than 20 years ago. A fire that one of my cousins accidently started. I actually heard about it from someone NOT related to me. I thought for sure that I would have heard it from my parents, or a sibling...but no, someone not related to me. I remember feeling a 'frog' in my throat, that was it.

It was until I did an ancestor appeasing ritual just a few weeks ago that I realized my true feelings. I had supressed what I had felt. Its not so unusual. I didn't attend his funeral or my grandmothers. I am uncomfortable with such events. well not until more recently.

I got really close to my partners father who died just a year ago. I actually watched him die, literally take his last breath. My partner and I were just right there, and we both thought it 'weird'. We thought it would be more dramatic, but we both didn't emote anything. I also didn't emote anything during the funeral. However, I did have a mystical experience of inhabiting his body that was full of cancer, that was a few weeks before his death. I guess it was because I had such an intimate experience such as that, and taking care of him that I already processed so many things emotionally.

The deli guy who worked below us has died a few months ago. I went to his funeral and didn't really feel anything. But wished him well, and said I would miss him. I briefly appeared at his funeral.

I don't know what to say, other than you are being true to your feelings. Emotions are sometimes unexpected and uncontrollable, and don't follow 'logic' or sense. I actually evny you in a way for feeling so much.

It has been a harrowing day. All the arrangements are now made, with the funeral being held on this coming Monday avo. I've only just logged on and again I have shed tears at the response from all of you. I feel so very privileged to be part of this forum. You are beautiful people, and I'm honoured to know you, thank you all for your understanding and support....

And Mislu, thank you for sharing your experiences too....it has helped.

So sorry for your loss geo. I think you can take some solace in the fact that you did everything you could to help your mother before she passed.

Your mother may have loved you much more than you knew, but her disability came in the way of expressing it normally. You obviously loved her too. It's OK that the outward relationship wasn't ideal. Your mother lived a very long life and experienced much, and now she is ready to begin a brand new journey! Or, at the very least, she is free of her pain.

I wish you both well!

Thank you also Suncloud, and yes, she just couldn't help herself, we three siblings understand that now. I'm glad of this experience too, since as a future social worker, I believe that being able to relate to another's experience due to having experienced a similar one of your own enables an empathetic understanding and therefore a greater capacity to help.....

When my stepmother died, I didn't cry. My stepsister did. I was 4 years old.

When my father died, I cried thinking I was supposed to do so. I was 5 years old.

I did cry when I left South Korea because I was going into the unknown. I was 6 years old.

We often times don't know what triggers a response: a supressed emotion, a tragic event, a moment of intensity, a social rule, fear, etc.

I think the important thing is to validate your feelings and use the energy to be more; whatever that means to you.

I am sorry for your loss. Therese

Thank you Therese, wise words.
Today was horrific, as among other abuses, one of my sisters asked me if I had killing our mum since I had only just visited her prior to the call from the hospital (see initial post above). I couldn't beleive what she was saying. They even went down to the police station, lied to the police so that they (the police) did come up to the house to interview me.

Of course, there's a lot more that went on, but a nurse verified that mum was alive and resting well after I left the hospital that night before her death, and the nurse was willing to attest to the fact to authority if needed.

Both the police and the nurses said that in these situations where there's considerable money involved, it brings out the worst in people. My sisters surely showed their true colours today.

I'm pretty shook up about it....

Geo

I send you love, peace, and strength during these times. People (family) may show up as yours did and there is nothing you can do about it except to be, be clear with yourself, deal with the drama that others bring on (mostly to themselves) in a calm way, and express your feelings (like you are doing) to those who honour and support you, and meditation will likely help. This too shall be in the past. And you will heal.

Peace

Vermontnl, I've been thinking those thoughts that you have articulated to me, but just below my conscience awareness. Thank you, as actually the police are empathetic and have also suggested calm, particularly when I don't feel it.

I haven't thought of meditation, as there's been too much happening. So I really appreciate that you have brought it to my attention.....

Not very good at these things but thinking of you Geo mate.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2012 05:02PM by powerlifer.

oh Geo my condolance .. i just lost my mom, dad and brother recently in the last 3 years and i can sympathize how you are feeling i dealt with them all entirely differently

much love to you while you sort this out for yourself !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Geo, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I can see many here have said many beautiful things. I am sending love and light, and wishing you peace.

Geo, It seems very strange, but sometimes during a loss, a family member will blame another family member for all sorts of weird things. I've noticed this before. Maybe Geo, your sister has guilt feelings of her own that she's subconsciously laying on you. I'm very sorry. Hang in there!

Jgunn, I didn't know you lost your mother, father, and brother. I remember when you went to live with your parents to help them out. I'm so sorry. I hope you are recovering.

Therese, wow, you certainly went through it! I hope you have had many good things happen in your life to help make up for such trauma in your early childhood!

hi geo

i don't know anything concerning why emotions are emoted or not

or have any answers

i just know that the Spirit

knows more than i ever will

and nothing stops it from demonstrating what it is about

sometimes it takes the lead

and i just follow

and maybe

even figure it out

sometimes
i never figure it out

and it remains a total mystery

and i'm alright with that

i can't really figure out much these days

anyhow

everything is a big mystery to me

Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments. I'm sorry for your loss also Jodi, and I'm not trying to figure it all out anymore. Perhaps it will all make sense when it all has calmed dowm, and my sisters may also reconcile with me.

Suncloud - You have a point there... and a nurse that I spoke to only yesterday suggested same. Well, on the day that my sisters arrived (Thursday), they saw mum for awhile, and then filled the rest of the day with other stuff. They asked if I was going to see mum that evening, but I was tired, and had stayed with her all morning, so I declined. However, we had decided, together with mum's doctor, to remove the drip which was adminstering a saline solution and anti-biotics, though we left the oxygen on so mum could breath easier.

Therefore, if the drip had been prolonging mum's life a little, then she may pass during the night, so I thought I'd go up to see her just in case. I rang my sisters to let them know that I had changed my mind, and also if they would like to go as well. They said they were in the middle of some shopping and then a meal, so they wouldn't be going.

Perhaps Suncloud, they do feel guilty for not going up to see mum for the last time, and are blaming me. Perhaps they see me as depriving them of a last goodbye. But many people have said that when at the end of this life, people hang on until that have seen their love-ones and said goodbye. so, it doesn't feel strange that mum passed after she had seen me that evening.

Again, thank you dear friends, geo x

What reminds me of my family is this endless stupid competition. Often it is not even about money, but some 'prestige' or some impression - people get so deeply involved that they don't even notice when they slip into complete irrationality.

I am an Orthodox Christian, we have our way of treating death of the close ones. Still, one can never force a feeling, nore should he. They used to have ladies trained to cry at funerals, to give it the correct atmosphere...
Albert Camus wrote a book, I think it was called "Stranger" that is about this absence of expected behaviour.

In general, I think crying is healthy, it is a natural reaction. Thanks for sharing the story.

Camus' book was creepy eerie
got under my skin

Yes rab, someone said it may be that too. However, there's another twist to this saga. Instead of using the one solicitor, my sisters have chosen to use one, other than the one I chose. I don't know whay they have done that, only maybe they are in despute regarding the will. Though, it's very straight forward, with an equal split three ways, and all of us are executors.

It's possible that they think that I AM in despute of the will, but I have never said so to them. Having us all as executors isn't a good idea either. It would have been better if only one sibling was the executor, or a close relative who wasn't to gain anything from the will, or even a good family friend. God, I'm sooo over this.

geo i feel for you .. im still entrenched in disuputes with my siblings over the estate

going back to you feelings .... when my brother died i cried in bed for weeks litterally weeks .. couldnt get out of bed ..didnt go to work .. i felt i lost the one of the most important people in my life .. then my dad passed away shortly after leaving me to take care of my mom .. i was really crushed then but i didnt have time to mourne my dad as my mom took all my time up but when i had time i just was so angry and sad and then my mom died shortly after that and by then i was so exhaused with it all i was feeling guilty that i had no more tears to cry ..s ure i cried for her ..but i was so so tired

so thats what i mean we deal with these things as they come the way we deal with them .. i wish i could have cried more for my mom and maybe someday in the future i will but i was just spent over it all .. i feel bad about but i cant do anything about it right now

there is no rhyme or reason for feeling what you feel right now its just a feeling and feelings change <3

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Oh Jodi, I am soo sorry my friend. To lose your family so close together, and here I am feeling so overwhelmed. I feel ashamed, but we deal with loss in our own way, and unfortunately for me, it's with no support from the ones who should give it. And like another time, I'm grateful for my online friends. But you Jodi, You have given more than anyone could have, and you are a beautiful spirit, and we love you, just as your family loves you I'm sure, and have seen what you have given despite your loss. In my case, I've so much to learn, as this is the first time that these feeling have arisen for me. As I've said earlier, my dad passed in 99, and I believe that it's only now, with the passing of my mother, that I have been able to grieve for him also. Perhaps Jodi, you too, will grieve further for your mum.
I am with you, as you are with me,
geo x